Here goes...

I recently came to the conclusion that most people don't know me as well as they think they do, or so I think sometimes. I say this not to insult anyone but to recognize something within me that keeps others at a certain distance, protecting myself with sort of self-directed maternal instinct. Maybe that's wierd, I don't know. With this in mind, I've decided it is time to speak out, if only in a whisper, and share a litte more of the details, actions, and rants of my daily life. I think my mind is a little too active for my own good so maybe this is the healthy thing to do. Whatever the reason, thanks for reading.

I hope this blog is a place where I can share thoughts on a lot of different issues (spirituality, politics, music, etc), make you, the reader, aware of various bits of information or news I might have, and hopefully make myself a little more vulnerable than the norm. That being said, feel free to check in as frequently as you like; I'll try to update several times a week. And with that being said, I was in Portland two weeks ago at a conference having a moment of "what does it all mean", 20-something frustration. It's late and I don't feel like writing anything new so here are some thoughts I worked through at the conference. Enjoy.

Sometimes I hate being a guy. Not so the much the just being a guy thing but being a single, unemployed, 23 year old guy. Actually, all of these things have their perks but I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m living in a time in which a lot of my friends are getting married or acting like they’re married. They’re taking jobs, moving to Charlotte or some other place where I could never find one. They’re acting like someone significantly older than I feel, or maybe I’m acting younger, or maybe they’re faking it. I don’t know.

It’s just a hard age and time to turn off the whole analytical mind thing. Every single girl is a marriage prospect. Every friend who has a job has connections to get me one. Basically, I’m seeing everything as an opportunity.

But when I really think about, I don’t want any of these things to be opportunities. I like being single. I have terrific friends who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. I’m a musician, which even though it isn’t really work, is the best job in the world. I play guitar for money. I use that money to buy more guitar things. It’s great.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard someone say something about how we always want the things we don’t have. It’s true, yes, but I’m thankful for what I have now and I need to remember that.

So why am I bringing this up? Glad you asked...I’m at a conference, working I might add, and I spent lunch hanging out with some people, including this terrificly charming and beautiful woman who just happens to be from the same city I live in. She’s the kind of woman you want to like you because it would be wonderful boost to your self-esteem and your friends would pat you on the back while secretly cursing your new-found luck. But as I’ve always been painfully aware, I am shy, maybe even awkward, and I don’t always make the best first impressions. The two guys with me, however, are funny, out going, and hitting it off with her. But this doesn’t bother me.

The job I’m here for is a connection from a friend who works for the company I’m with. He knows I’m bored and poor (this is a relative term) and he put in a good word for me. I’m thankful to have been set up with a job, having done nothing to get it. This doesn’t bother me.

I am acutely aware, however, of one thing, tracing through all accounts. Nothing is going to change. Things happen for me, which is nice, but again, nothing is going to change. I’m not taking any steps in my life to make anything change and this bothers me. I want to play guitar for a living but I’m not really playing with any bands I could see myself investing in. What’s to keep me from seeking those people out and putting myself in a position through my relationships to play? I’m likable, easy going, and I can use that to my advantage. And as for the ladies, I could actually suck it up and ask someone out. I’ve done this before and it might work for me one day. Why shouldn’t it? And I’m not going to ask this girl out, if that’s what you’re wondering; that’s what I’m telling myself anyway.

My life is often an issue of vacancy and finding ways to fill it. It is much easier to let other people fill my vacancy: make dinner plans, ask me to a movie, invite themselves over, even. It’s sitting behind my booth at this conference, listening to music and typing just to pass the time. It’s easier than talking to someone.

Invest in my life: apply within. Sounds ridiculous but it’s been my working model for a while now. What harm would there be in investing? It’s a stretch and it makes my palms sweat. Being shy has it’s advantages, don’t get me wrong, but I need to be more effective at pushing my boundaries and without feeling so awkward. Just a thought.